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Contemplating Marriage: Part 2 of a 2 Part Series
Feb 18, 2012 by Kelly MacNeal
So… picking up from yesterday, how can we have successful, lasting marriages?Over the years I have gleaned some sound advice from women whose marriages I admire the most. Advice doesn’t always fit the situation to which it’s applied, but there are some general principles that seem to me true wisdom and worth keeping in mind. This is what women I trust had to share:
1. Respect.
Isn’t this what every person on Earth wants and deserves? Respect your partner in private and pubic. The #1 rule in our relationship is that we ALWAYS back each other up in public NO MATTER WHAT. Even if I disagree completely with the point my husband is making I hold my tongue in objecting until we are alone. The world is tough enough and will tear you down in a New York minute. The last thing you or your partner needs is to be brought down in public by the person who is supposed to hold them in the greatest esteem.
2. The grass is NEVER greener.
Sure, Susie’s husband cooks dinner every night. Yeah, Kathy’s husband works out every day and has washboard abs. Yes, your male coworker knows how to put himself together instead of schlepping around in that old grey pair of sweats. But no one EVER appears as they truly are in their public persona. So if your husband is not measuring up in your eyes to what maybe some other men that you know seem to be, believe me. Those men are not what they seem from the outside. The truth is no one person can ever meet your needs, no matter how great they seem. And Susie and Kathy are most likely looking at your husband thinking you have it good.
3. Be the kind of person you want him to be.
When you are feeling dissatisfied about who your husband is, or more likely who he is NOT, or perhaps that your life together is not as exciting as you think it should be, take that as a clear sign that it is not him that you are unhappy about, but rather you. You want him to be more affectionate? Then YOU initiate holding his hand or kissing him goodbye before work. Do you feel like you wish he was more spontaneous and exciting? Then sign up to go skydiving with some friends. Do you wish that he was more involved in church or other philanthropies? YOU sign up to volunteer at a homeless shelter. Because the only one you can change is you.
4. Submit.
Now I know what you are thinking. This lady is stuck in the olden days. But just hear me out. I am not saying you can’t have an opinion about any and all things and that you have to be a doormat. What I am saying is that it is easy to argue just for argument’s sake just to be “right”. I have learned that sometimes it truly doesn’t hurt to let him have his way and just back down. Now, if I strongly have an opinion about something I certainly speak my mind and can hold my own. But most of the time I think to myself,”Is this really going to matter if I let him have his way?” Most of the time the answer is no. I find if I submit to him and his desires about something he has a stronger opinion about, then, when I really feel passionately about something I’ll let him know it and those are the times he submits to me. If you submit to the small stuff than when it is something truly important to you he’ll know it. And the beauty is, he’ll most likely want to give you your way sometimes too.
5. Fake it.
I am NOT talking about THAT faking it(although in extreme cases like you are so exhausted you cannot stay awake another minute before falling asleep this advice might come in handy!). There has been actual research shown that if you are not feeling a particular way, say loving towards your husband, merely acting as if you do brings those loving feelings to the surface. I attest this one to be true. There have been lots of times when I just don’t feel connected to my husband because life gets in the way. But love is not a feeling. It is a choice. I try to choose to love my husband by my actions. Most of the time he’s easy to love. But those days that I am just not feeling it, I try to love him with my words and actions anyway.
6. Dig your heels in.
We all go through rough patches in marriage. Life never is how we think it is going to be and certainly marriage is no exception. Recently our family moved to a new city and anyone who has ever moved knows, it can be tough on a marriage! One day I was on the phone with a dear friend of mine lamenting at how my spouse and I were NOT meshing and I was just done with him. ”This is the time to just dig in your heels and keep moving forward” she said. It was not exactly the advice I was looking for, but it was the best advice I have ever received. I did dig my heels in through the storm and we made it out on the other side to a beautiful blue sky.
7. Know that your husband will never truly fulfill you.
Nor will your job, your kids or anything else that this life has to offer. You will always thirst for more. There is only ONE who can truly satisfy your deepest thirst. Jesus said, “but those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again”. He does not promise an easy life and definitely not one that is problem free. But what he does offer is Someone who knows you better than you know yourself. Someone who will love you whether you are at your goal weight or 30 pounds overweight. Someone who will overlook all of your mistakes and love you anyway, never holding a grudge. Someone who will never forsake you or leave you. I challenge you, if you don’t know Jesus, get to know him. He’ll change your life. And probably your marriage in the process.
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Great thoughts and wise words! One thing my husband and I are learning now, in addition to all you mention above, is to rely on each other. Adults need to be bonded to their spouse, we each need to feel safe, secure, and like we can trust the other person. This requires me to really listen to my husband, even when his actions drive me up the wall. I need to hear where he is coming from because usually he’s doing the annoying action to try and please me! It helps immeasurably to be a bonded team when the waters of life inevitably get rough. Great blog!
Amen, Melissa! LOVE this advice.
Kelly these are really great action points! I loved this 2 part series.
Inspiring, we need to be reminded to stay on course sometimes. Thank you